A New Me

It’s crazy how a few days can really change a person. I sat with my dad the other day and we had a discussion about my “transformation”.

As some of you may already know, this is my first year in college. We’re already 2 months through the semester, and I believe these two months were enough to mold me into a different person. You see, at school, I had always been a good student…but I used to stress a lot. For as far back as I can remember (probably going back to like 9th grade), I was the kind of student who would stay up late at night revising, just to make sure I didn’t leave anything out. I would explain things to my friends and revise every single example. I was always tired at school; I didn’t get the 8.5 hours of sleep I needed.

Also, my relationship with God had its ups and downs. Well there were those times when I would talk to God only to ask Him for something. It was until the last two years that I’ve learned that no, I shouldn’t ask God for things that are just for my own needs, nor tell Him what He should do. Last year, I passed to the school’s chapel every morning and prayed. It really made my mornings like-able.

And lastly, the last 2 years were really the most stressful years of my life…on an emotional level. As I mentioned previously, I used to stress a lot because of my studies and now add to that the emotional burden I carried with me throughout my last two years at school. For those of you who have been following my posts on this blog, you have probably noticed that I’d written a lot of very sad and depressing posts. The kind of emotional stress I was dealing with wasn’t related to my family in any way, thankfully, but more to my friends. Well, technically, to the way I imagined things with my friends should be.

So here is where I tell you that I have made a few decisions.

First of all, I have decided to throw everything that has to do with my academic past at school behind me and start from zero. I have decided to adapt a new method of studying that involves studying as much as possible on a daily basis. It’s going almost perfectly so far, with a few exceptions of course. I have also decided to try (as much as possible) not to stress. Stress kills motivation. Stress kills focus. Stress kills will. Stress kills energy. Stress is horrible. I don’t want it anymore. I won’t lie to you though; there were times when I DID stress out, but they lasted a few minutes. Good job, Maria. It’s what I like to call progress.

Furthermore, my goal is to do my best. I’m doing everything my professors are asking me to do, I’m studying well, I’m doing well, and that’s more than satisfying. No stress, no “pseudo all-nighters”, no uncontrollable coffee consumption.

Also recently, I’ve made another decision. I have decided to be happy. I have always been a very happy and actually a very innocent person. So, obviously, that period of sadness in my life was really tough for me because I had never felt so down in my life before. As we say it in Arabic, “nafsiyyete kenet bel ared” and this means, in a way, that I felt extremely down and was negative about almost everything. To tell you the truth, I had imagined things. Remember how I said I imagined how things with my friends should be? I always had this fear that my friends would leave me. I always had this doubt about being a friend worth keeping or not. Now I look back and say, “Hey. You’re wrong to think that way. You’re a good friend. You were there for your friends when they needed you, and it’s all that matters. You’re a little clingy, but you can work on it.” I am done with delusions. I learned that people will love you for who you are, and the ones who leave were never meant to stay in the first place. So here is where I made a change: I deleted all my sad posts from this blog, and turned this whole thing back to its original purpose which was to write down my thoughts on a certain social problem, or share my experiences and ideas with you.

And lastly, I am working on my relationship with God. See, in my university, we have this small chapel. The situation on the roads in Lebanon is so good to the point where I got stuck in extreme traffic every morning, but that was until I decided to leave very early. Anyway, leaving super early in the morning led to arriving super early to university which gave me the chance to go to the chapel and talk to God.  I’m going to be honest with you and say that my daily 15 minutes of prayer make it easier for me to face the day. I’ve learned to say that whatever happens, I’m still blessed, and honestly it’s what’s most important. God has given me so much, and I’m thankful.

I’d like to add that yes, my major is exhausting and I’m kind of overloaded with work to do, but I’m enjoying it. And I love my university.

I hope that my enthusiasm will persist the way it is now, and that my relationships with my friends will last. I’m a new person now. I’m an adult, I’m independent, I have what it takes, I’m in the choir and the blood donation club, I’m blessed, and I’m happy.  I say do a little soul-searching and see if there are any decisions that need to be taken. Until next time. x

Smile more!

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This One’s for You

This one’s for you; the one who is going through a tough time and is ready to give up,
The one who feels like nothing will ever go right again after making one mistake,
The one who has so much to offer the world, but remains silent and afraid of the comments and rejection of society,
The one who is silenced by fear and confusion,
The one who sees the beauty in people, even when people reveal nothing but their ugly sides,
To you.

I love you. I love your flaws and your remarkable features. I love that incredible mind of yours. You are beautiful, strong, and independent. It’s just an impossible period of time, not an impossible life.

Surround yourself with people who make you happy, do more of what brings serenity to your life, and smile more often. Happiness looks great on you, I’m sure of that. You are doing a wonderful job, and it’s only a matter of temporary stress, remember that.

Cheers.

You’re Something Beautiful

Let me tell you something;

You’re beautiful.

Your smile, your hair, your eyes, your hips, your legs, your waist, your everything.

I know it’s hard to believe it when the standards are Australian supermodels. I know it’s hard to believe it when you believe the mirror itself is fooling you. I know it’s hard to believe it when you see a picture of you and think a troll would look better.

But hey, you’re something beautiful.

Your laugh, your jokes, your shyness, your feelings, your qualities, your flaws, your everything.

Sometimes all you need is someone who will bring that little ounce of love you’d have for yourself out of you. It may take endless tries, and it might take one conversation. So when you liberate that love, thanks to a certain person, consider yourself lucky. Mainly because someone besides me or the people in your family has seen what an amazing and incredible person you are.

You’re something beautiful.

Flaws? You have them. Bad selfie angles? You have them. Influences by other supposedly perfect humans? You have them. Insecurities? You have them.

But it’s because you have them that I see you as beautiful, know that.

I say it again, love yourself. Love yourself like others love you.

Remember, you’re something beautiful.

Hey You

Hey you,

Sitting on the edge of the bed,
A thousand thoughts in your head,
The shredding laughs haunting your mind
Make hope harder to find.

Hey you,
Your smile starts to fade,
Reaching for the blade,
You just want some aid,
But you’ve lost all comrade.

Hey you,
Surrounded by your fears,
Drowning in your tears,
Drinking, hoping to reach the end
Of a life you can no longer defend.

Hey you,
You think happiness is impenetrable,
You think you are intolerable,
You have lost all glimpse of happiness
And life to you is now a bundle of emptiness.

Hey you,
There is the dark covering your heart, Preventing the sanity to play its part
You must know the authentic value of life
And refuse to surrender to that knife.

Hey you,
It’s time for you to walk along,
The path of fate while feeling strong,
And thus proving it’s here you belong
And the menace will hurtingly know it was wrong.

Invictus

This is one of my favorite poems. It means a lot to me, and I thought about sharing it with you.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

– “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley