It’s crazy how a few days can really change a person. I sat with my dad the other day and we had a discussion about my “transformation”.
As some of you may already know, this is my first year in college. We’re already 2 months through the semester, and I believe these two months were enough to mold me into a different person. You see, at school, I had always been a good student…but I used to stress a lot. For as far back as I can remember (probably going back to like 9th grade), I was the kind of student who would stay up late at night revising, just to make sure I didn’t leave anything out. I would explain things to my friends and revise every single example. I was always tired at school; I didn’t get the 8.5 hours of sleep I needed.
Also, my relationship with God had its ups and downs. Well there were those times when I would talk to God only to ask Him for something. It was until the last two years that I’ve learned that no, I shouldn’t ask God for things that are just for my own needs, nor tell Him what He should do. Last year, I passed to the school’s chapel every morning and prayed. It really made my mornings like-able.
And lastly, the last 2 years were really the most stressful years of my life…on an emotional level. As I mentioned previously, I used to stress a lot because of my studies and now add to that the emotional burden I carried with me throughout my last two years at school. For those of you who have been following my posts on this blog, you have probably noticed that I’d written a lot of very sad and depressing posts. The kind of emotional stress I was dealing with wasn’t related to my family in any way, thankfully, but more to my friends. Well, technically, to the way I imagined things with my friends should be.
So here is where I tell you that I have made a few decisions.
First of all, I have decided to throw everything that has to do with my academic past at school behind me and start from zero. I have decided to adapt a new method of studying that involves studying as much as possible on a daily basis. It’s going almost perfectly so far, with a few exceptions of course. I have also decided to try (as much as possible) not to stress. Stress kills motivation. Stress kills focus. Stress kills will. Stress kills energy. Stress is horrible. I don’t want it anymore. I won’t lie to you though; there were times when I DID stress out, but they lasted a few minutes. Good job, Maria. It’s what I like to call progress.
Furthermore, my goal is to do my best. I’m doing everything my professors are asking me to do, I’m studying well, I’m doing well, and that’s more than satisfying. No stress, no “pseudo all-nighters”, no uncontrollable coffee consumption.
Also recently, I’ve made another decision. I have decided to be happy. I have always been a very happy and actually a very innocent person. So, obviously, that period of sadness in my life was really tough for me because I had never felt so down in my life before. As we say it in Arabic, “nafsiyyete kenet bel ared” and this means, in a way, that I felt extremely down and was negative about almost everything. To tell you the truth, I had imagined things. Remember how I said I imagined how things with my friends should be? I always had this fear that my friends would leave me. I always had this doubt about being a friend worth keeping or not. Now I look back and say, “Hey. You’re wrong to think that way. You’re a good friend. You were there for your friends when they needed you, and it’s all that matters. You’re a little clingy, but you can work on it.” I am done with delusions. I learned that people will love you for who you are, and the ones who leave were never meant to stay in the first place. So here is where I made a change: I deleted all my sad posts from this blog, and turned this whole thing back to its original purpose which was to write down my thoughts on a certain social problem, or share my experiences and ideas with you.
And lastly, I am working on my relationship with God. See, in my university, we have this small chapel. The situation on the roads in Lebanon is so good to the point where I got stuck in extreme traffic every morning, but that was until I decided to leave very early. Anyway, leaving super early in the morning led to arriving super early to university which gave me the chance to go to the chapel and talk to God. I’m going to be honest with you and say that my daily 15 minutes of prayer make it easier for me to face the day. I’ve learned to say that whatever happens, I’m still blessed, and honestly it’s what’s most important. God has given me so much, and I’m thankful.
I’d like to add that yes, my major is exhausting and I’m kind of overloaded with work to do, but I’m enjoying it. And I love my university. Thank you Université Saint Joseph de Beyrouth for being the way you are; a comfortable environment for us.
I hope that my enthusiasm will persist the way it is now, and that my relationships with my friends will last. I’m a new person now. I’m an adult, I’m independent, I have what it takes, I’m in the choir and the blood donation club, I’m blessed, and I’m happy. I say do a little soul-searching and see if there are any decisions that need to be taken. Until next time. x